Saturday, February 5, 2011

A Difference of Two

I have been struggling to complete my application to the Graduate School of Education perhaps because I my heart is not really in it.  I can not say how true that is, but there are surely seeds of doubt which have just begun to sprout.  I have expressed my intent to pursue Education to many and it is usually met with such approbation that I hardly consider the deviation from my more deeply seated goals.  In the case of my intention being met with reproach it is usually with such aggression that I have no choice but to defend my stance.  However, recently my intention has met with neither approval or repulsion but with the sincerest curiosity as to why I would want to do that. Having not found an answer which resonates with me a half of what drives my other intentions the seeds began to sprout.

Becoming a teacher was never a dream of mine. Though it was always something which I believed I would both do and greatly enjoy; It was never my dream.  I dreamed of becoming great in my field, to be a teacher of peoples, to be a teacher by deed.

Am I giving up? Am I being sidetracked? Am I underestimating my desire to teach?

I am not sure where I wish to be in a year.  I am sure I would like to have some time off between the attainment of one degree and the pursuit of the next. Could the trepidation merely be from my desire of a break? I honestly would love to be a travelling teacher.  I want the qualification. I want a chance to do college over. I don't expect to efface my undergrad record, but it would be nice to have a stunning two years to place atop it, something less riddled with the mistakes of a love plagued solipsist turned Buddhist. I know that is one of the major reasons I wish for a new degree: to feel that I have turned this whole mess of five years into something more tangible than insight. But if I could be convinced that with solely the experience of these past five years it is time to set out for something more great, then why should I delay?

1 comment:

Clone said...

Not to be a creepy stalker of your blog, but these same thoughts about my heart not being in my work have been taunting me the past few months.